On my mind.

If I thought for one minute that it was possible for her to forget me, I would have never left. Throughout life I've always been able to show affection well, but I have never been able to accept it until now. These feelings mask themselves as familiar, yet they feel new and uncharted. Its almost as if I created this perfection in my mind over time and I built it out of the scraps of what was left from numerous heartbreaks. I've been alone for so long that I've had time to mold an idea in my mind of what I look for in a woman. And that idea has become a part of me that I couldn't see or touch until now. I never expected this to happen but I feel as though its been a long time coming. Could this be something more than a feeling? Sure. I suppose. But I won't jump into a pool without testing the waters. So I keep my distance and only allow my heart to blink for now.
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Some would say the glass is half full, some would say the glass is half empty. Today, I say empty the fucking glass and throw a double shot of hard liquor in it until I'm too drunk to give a shit about the damn glass. I just laughed at myself, that's always a good feeling on days like this. Its not even a terrible day outside or a day that is full of pointless shit that i have to do for school. I just don't like today. Maybe it will get better, maybe worse. I guess I just keep waking up hoping for a change, something to light a fire under the ass of life. I understand i have to continue my education and do all the things necessary to one day obtain a "big boy job", but can't I have a little excitement as well? I mean I'm 22 for fuck sake. And I'm not getting any younger or taller or more handsome. I need to be more ALIVE! Why do my days have to be controlled by responsibility all the time!? I wish someone would walk up to me and ask me to do something completely spontaneous and crazy. Or a gorgeous girl would grab me and kiss me while I'm walking on campus, just to be wild for a few seconds. Oh what a dream it is to feel adventure. Here i am typing away at this keyboard to people who think I'm either nuts or just stupid. Instead of going wild and doing something crazy. Do me a favor world, live crazy today. Find someone to join you and cause havoc or break some rules. If the world was meant to be this bland, my crayon box as a child would have only consisted of the color gray. Enjoy yourself. Even if you can't enjoy anything else.

She Never Gets Old, I Never Wise Up

I don't like keeping myself at a distance from beautiful women. Its not fair to me, nor is it friendly for me to do so. I find that the female mind is the hardest puzzle to solve, even when it seems like most of them are riddles on children cereal boxes. Sometimes I can solve even the most difficult of mysterious reasoning that plagues the mentality of my opposing gender, but there's always the few that escape me. It never occurs to me that these type of women exist until I come in contact with one that totally throws my mind into a turbid lake of fire that is polluted by confusion and never ending disgust. One particular demon that I continuously fall prey to has recently struck again. How is it that no matter how good something seems in its duration, there's always enough time for things to evolve into a disastrous and typically mental shit storm that it does? Me, I'm fine I presume, Its her that can never get things on route to normal town. At times, we lose ourselves in a world where everything is so close to perfect. But is this intimacy with perfection what makes her fly off the path to its existence before we can even arrive to reap what we've worked so hard for? Its almost like she can't function without complication, which is an unfortunate trait to have when you also possess the ability to make someone else happy. The positive part of the time we spend together is so wonderful that I subsequently let her back in to do it again and again. Maybe it is me. Maybe my proclivity to fall for a beautiful smile is what makes this all my fault. If I could somehow keep the thought in my head that this road is not one to be traveled by someone as weak as myself, then I would be a lot better off. I don't have a map to this crazy mental world that exist inside of me. Even though I built it with my own broken hands. I just continue to let go of what should be held on to. And hold on to what is not really there. These illusions that could easily be avoided are masked in the lust of all that is my pleasure. Sure, I could learn from my mistakes but that would only mean that I have to continuously make them in order to obtain the knowledge I need to progress. Why can't progression be a gift of dealing with these things once. She will be back. And I will try my hardest to run away. You can't always beat what makes you. But you can try to make yourself. That's my advice to the "me" I'm building.
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®